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“When you’re 20 you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” — Winston Churchill
Today I didn’t care. I didn’t care about going to the gym, I didn’t care about money, I didn’t care about my job – I just didn’t care. So, I hopped into my jeep and drove north with no destination – and it felt great.
I woke up this morning around 9AM, made some coffee, breakfast, and then took a shower. Each morning, I always assess my mental state – I ask myself how I’m doing or how do I feel, and the answers aren't always very uplifting.
When I was lacing up my shoe, I asked myself, where am I going? Most of the time, after getting dressed, I go absolutely nowhere. Then the feeling of hopelessness, the thoughts of regrets, the should have’s and the what ifs begin flooding my head.
I tried to shake it off by going inside my vehicle – but I ended up just sitting there for twenty minutes staring into nothingness.
I ran back inside the house to grab my camera, then sat back inside my vehicle. Now this time, I am sitting there for a good twenty minutes just trying to make a decision. My usual routine of going to the gym didn’t interest me at all and the thought of being at work in a couple days made me feel even more depressed.
Finally, I said screw it – I decided healthcare is not for me and I never wanted to be a nurse. Then I drove off heading north on the interstate highway with no plans or destination – and I just kept driving and driving.
And each mile I surpassed – I felt a sense of relief. A sense of freedom.
I didn’t even bother using my GPS, I just wanted to get lost. Each direction I took, placed me in a scenic route and each road I went, sent me in a state of peace.
I’ve questioned my forty years of existence and contemplated on the decisions I have made.
Throughout my life, my choices were based on someone else’s opinion, and I neglected what I truly desired; self-love.
For several years now, the passion for fitness and my attraction for artistic creativity has been missing. The thought of continuing to pursue writing and photography was something my ADHD impulsivity conjured up and I was just wasting my time. But the undesirable thought of continuing a profession for the rest of my life will be a heavier burden.
The unexpected journey today was what I needed. It ignited a spark in me to write and take photos – something I always enjoyed for a long time.
What worries me is how long will the kindle stay lit.
Janssen Nicolo is a talented nurse, writer, photographer, and blogger. Much of the content posted is short stories, inspiring blogs, and self motivational pieces of writing.