My mom woke up really early this morning. For some reason, I think she could sense that something was wrong. I guess that’s just a mom thing. She came out of her room and walked over to my door and banged on it trying to get me to wake up for school. She then walked over to my sister’s door and banged on her door as well. Normally this is when I would wake up, but not today.
My mom walked downstairs to make breakfast for my sister and I. My dad usually made us breakfast, but he had to go into work really early because he had a busy day today. My sister ran down the stairs as fast as she could. She was only fourteen so she still got excited going to school every morning to see her friends and her favorite teachers. I wasn’t so much of a school person. I didn’t like sitting in classes all day waiting for the last bell to ring so I could leave.
My mom began wondering why I wasn’t coming downstairs. I always came down before my sister so I think my mom thought that I was sick or something. She gave my sister her breakfast and then she walked upstairs into my room. She walked over and tried to wake me up, but there wasn’t anything she could do. It was too late. She started getting really scared and I think it finally hit her. My mom fell to the floor hysterically screaming and crying. She was trying to wake me up. She kept screaming and asking how this could be happening. My sister ran up the stairs and into my room. She saw my mom hugging my body and she didn’t understand what was going on. She started getting scared so she backed away a little bit. When she backed up, she stepped on something. She looked down to see what it was, only to find an empty pill bottle.
When I went to bed last night, I really thought that I could no longer handle living the life that I was given. I thought my only option was to kill myself, so that is exactly what I did.
My mom called my dad and my dad had no clue what she was saying because all she could do was cry. He raced home as fast as he could to find me laying there. He called 911, but there wasn’t anything that the fire department could do. My mom kept screaming at them, trying to get them to save her baby, but it was too late. Every EMT, firefighter, and police officer rushed to my house to try to find a heartbeat or a pulse just somewhere. Unfortunately, they didn’t find one.
Everyone started finding out at my high school. My first period teacher couldn’t teach her class anymore. She kept blaming herself for yelling at me the day before. She thought that she had something to do with why I no longer was there in class. All my teachers felt this way. They all asked themselves what they could have done different. They thought they missed a sign that I needed help. I wish they knew that it wasn’t their fault. I wish I could just tell them. My English teacher and I were very close. That night, she had gone to the bar to relieve the stress that my passing had caused her. She had been clean from drinking for over three years.
I think it hit my best friend harder than anyone else. She stared at the wall all day. She just wanted her best friend back. She kept blaming herself for not stopping me. She kept wondering why I wouldn’t have told her what was going on in my head. She kept blaming herself for the fight we had last week. We had argued a lot the week prior and we had talked about going our own ways in the friendship. She blamed herself for my choices. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I wish I could tell you that you were the best person in my life. You were truly the only person that I could totally be myself around. I wish I could tell you that this wasn’t your fault. I wish I could just talk to you one last time.
My sister didn’t know what to do with herself. She looked up to me. She saw me as a role model. We had our fights and differences, but we really were inseparable. She didn’t want to continue her life because I wasn’t there anymore. She began self harming to deal with all of the stress that she had to go through at such a young age. She stopped eating and she stopped going to school. She had trouble getting out of bed and going outside. She eventually was diagnosed with two eating disorders and depression. She struggles everyday and she continues to struggle going forward. I wish I didn’t do this. I need to be there for her. I need to be there to see her graduate. To see her get married. To meet her children. I just need to be there for her. She needs me, but I can’t be there for her anymore.
My mom can’t get the images out of her head. She can’t get out of her bed because she fears that she will have to relive the trauma of losing her first child. My dad started drinking and he began going out late to deal with this stress. One night, he was pulled over by the state police for drinking while intoxicated. Their marriage quickly broke and they both couldn’t deal with living life without me. They both blamed themselves and each other for what happened. They had thought that they were the reason behind me taking my life. I didn’t think they cared about me this much. I never really looked at all the people who cared about me. I constantly said that no one cared, but now I truly see that so many people cared about me. They just didn't know how to show it that well I guess. Now that I’m gone, I see all of these people that loved me so much. I wish I was still here to hug them all...
My soccer teammates struggled to continue their season without seeing me on the field. I had the solo in the fall choir concert, but my teacher couldn’t give the solo to someone else. She kept thinking that I’d still be there to perform at the concert. I don’t think that it’s hit her yet. People that I don’t even know walk the hallways full of sadness because I’m no longer there. The school principal blamed himself for not stopping me, my ex girlfriend blamed herself for hurting me, and my friends still cry everyday in class looking at the empty seat in the room.
I did matter. I was cared about. People did love me, but I just couldn’t see it. I let my depression take over and I didn’t think that I could fight through all the sadness and pain. I never wanted to cause all of these people pain. I never thought anyone would miss me. I wish that I just reached out for help. I wish I could have worked through this. I know I could have gotten better, but at the time I just couldn't deal with it all.
I never lived to see how successful I'd become in college. I never got to see the amazing job that I was offered four years later. I never knew that I’d meet an amazing girl who I’d soon marry and have kids with. I never knew that I’d become a New York Times best selling author. That was always my dream. I never thought that I was good enough, but I guess that I really was. I’d eventually start my own charity to help teens who have runaway from home. I am not sure why I decided to do this, but I won’t ever find out. I also saved a child from an abusive home, whom I adopted shortly after, but I won’t get to ever meet him. I wish I had known how successful I’d be. If only I had known. I never thought that someone like me could work through the depressing feelings that I faced everyday, but I guess I did. Unfortunately, I’ll never be here to see any of it. I made a life ending decision just to stop temporary problems and feelings that I thought I couldn't control. I changed so many lives. I destroyed my friends and family, but I really didn't mean to do that. I thought that this would be the better decision for both me and everyone in my life. I really regret it. I wish I could do it all over again. But I can't because...
I killed myself yesterday.
44,193 Americans die by suicide each year.
For every one suicide, twenty-five attempt suicide.
Pain doesn’t last forever. I know it seems like it won’t get any better, but it does.
From one survivor to the next, it does get better.
Don’t give up. You can do this.
What you just read actually happens a lot more than you might think. I know that it seems difficult to reach out for help, but it might just change your life. I know that it seems easier to just give up, but you can’t. You really have no idea where your life will go. In fact, most teens who attempt suicide and survive immediately regret doing it. I know that you feel it won’t ever change. That it’s easier to just give up. You may be giving up an amazing future that you can't even imagine. Pain is only temporary. Please keep fighting through your depression and mental illnesses. You’re perfect just the way you are and don't let anyone tell you differently. I believe in you and I know that you can do this. Keep fighting. I know it may seem like you disappearing won't affect anyone in your life, but I can promise you that it will.
You belong here. Keep fighting through the pain and sadness. You can do it. Stay strong.
Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741
National Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255