Using Pain As Purpose

“What are you a retard?” My teacher asked me in first grade when I couldn’t read to do my in-class work.  That word might as well be written on my forehead because it became my label by my classmates throughout elementary and into high school. The word, “retard,” ripped apart my self-esteem and my mental wellbeing. It tore through me like a knife shredding all that made me who I was.  I was judged because I have a learning disability. Teachers and classmates thought that meant that I was stupid. It only meant I struggled with learning and had to find new ways to learn. 

In elementary teachers assigned classmates to give me answers on tests and assured me I would be pushed on from grade to grade. My classmates tormented me in school, on the bus and while playing in my own yard. Each day my classmates called me such names as, retard, dummy, stupid and idiot.  When I tried to do my own class work and got a good grade I was accused of cheating. I gave up trying to pass on my own. What was the use of even trying? Each day as I faced abuse by teachers and classmates, I began to believe they were right, I was stupid.  

I slipped into a deep sadness doubting the reason for my existence and my self-worth. I would daydream of getting injured or killed so that I would no longer have to go to school. If I was seriously injured or dead, then maybe my classmates would be sorry for how they treated me. If I was dead, I would never have to go to school or deal with the pain inside me again. I pictured myself being hit by a car or some other tragedy that would end my life. I pictured myself in a coffin with my family crying and my classmates apologizing. Other times I would imagine being in an accident that left me paralyzed or unconscious. I imagined a car hitting me, a tornado knocking a beam down on me, a kid attacking me, getting in a car accident and much more. I just wanted to get hurt to escape school and my life of torment. 

In high school I learned to study and began to succeed. I made the merit, honor roll and National Honors Society. I pushed myself to study hard and berated myself when I got low grades. Through the years of abuse in school I slipped into depression. I hated myself, I felt hopeless and useless. My depression got worse in seventh grade when my uncle was killed while working on a semi beside the road. I hit rock bottom of my illness my senior year when my cousin was killed in a car accident. I started self-injuring, I tried to take my life and I planned my death. I couldn’t sleep at night and was sick with anxiety each day.  I turned to a friend for support, but she used my weakness to abuse me. She played games with my mind and took away something very valuable from me. She manipulated me and abused me sexually. For a long time I was confused about my sexuality. 

I went off to college while at the rock bottom of my mental illness. I lived with my grandparents and drove to college. I spent a lot of time in my room injuring with sharp instruments, planning my suicide and attempting to take my life.  I thought if I was dead my family would be better off, and I would no longer be in pain internally. Self-injuring helped ease some of my agony, but it didn’t take it away.  I hid my injuries from my family and when they did see them, I lied about how I got them. It was at college I found pamphlets on depression and realized what was wrong with me.

For a while after college, I reached recovery from my mental illness and enjoyed life, but in time I fell back down into depression and anxiety again. I started dating and moved in with a man. He began to abuse me verbally and sexually. I hit the rock bottom of my illness again. When he told me I had to move out I fell apart and put my hand through a window. I moved back home with my parents and was admitted into a mental health hospital. In the hospital I started on the road to recovery.

In therapy I worked on stopping self-injury, learning to love myself, changing my thinking from negative to positive and healing from the bullying at school and the abuse I faced from a friend and my ex-boyfriend. I dealt with some PTSD and in the hospital, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I went to therapy for borderline personality disorder and learned how to cope with my illness. In time I reached recovery but kept having periods of depression. I had lost or walked away from friends and felt lonely. I spent my time going to work and home. My life seemed like it was at a standstill until I met my husband. He started going to couple therapy with me to learn how to handle my illness. In time I recovered from my illness and was happy.

In 2018 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the BRCA gene. I had a double mastectomy and slipped into depression again. I was struggling with accepting myself after such a major surgery when Alexander Kovarovic contacted me on social media. I had been posting positive messages on a mental health support group he oversaw. He asked me to write for his nonprofit National Internet Safety and Cyberbullying Taskforce. I was excited and it brought light into a very tough time in my life. In time he had me work with one of his directors to plan events and interview volunteers. I believed in the work he was doing and stayed with him for seven years as the nonprofit transformed into One Life Project. 

First I stayed with the taskforce because it fought against bullying and worked to educate people about bullying. Being a victim of bullying I believed and supported the work the nonprofit was doing. I wanted to help save children from the abuse I went through as a child. I felt like I wasn’t qualitied to do the work I was doing for the taskforce, but as it transformed into One Life my confidence began to build. 

First, I was assistant to the president of education and research. I did a lot of research of such topics as sexual abuse, bullying, depression and eating disorders. Then I moved up to a director and worked with another woman with volunteers. The more my confidence builds the higher I began to move up in the organization. Now I am the senior executive president of education. I am learning to excel as a leader. 

Throughout my life I stayed in the background following others, never stepping up or speaking up. In school it was safer for me to hide in the shadow. If I was unheard and unseen, then I could avoid more bullying. I am learning to step out of  the shadows and to speak up for others through my work with One Life Project. I’m no longer unseen. I’m standing up to help others with mental illness and to educate people. I am leading a team of volunteers, I’m going to events, helping put workbooks together, doing research, planning programs to teach, doing a podcast and much more. I’m using the pain I faced throughout my life to rise and succeed. 

When I was in school mental illness wasn’t talked about and I was afraid to ask for help. I told no one about my internal pain and I felt lonely. I suffered in silence. I work with One Life to help make sure our youth understand what mental illness is, that there is help and they are no alone. I don’t want anyone to suffer like I did. I believe our work is very important because our youth need someone to reach out to, to educate them and advocate for them to stop young people from needlessly taking their own lives. I believe in our mission, and I do my best up hold it so no teen, college student or young adult struggles alone.  

Working with One Life Project has helped me use the pain of my past to rise up and help others. I’m proud of the work I am doing. 

Aimee Eddy is the Senior National Director of Education and Advocacy for the One Life Project. She is also a blogwriter, author, and educator. Learn more about Aimee at www.projectonelife.org/management.